Happy Valentine’s Day! Last week we posted about how to spot some red flags that you might be in an unhealthy relationship. This week, we’re going to focus on what you can do if you fear a friend or family member is in an unhealthy relationship. After all, this holiday is all about showing those nearest and dearest how much they mean to you, including your pals!
Be supportive and non-judgmental
It’s important to remember that your loved one is going through an incredibly tough and potentially scary time in their life. Whether they are actively trying to leave the relationship, or are simply discussing their concerns with you, do your best just to listen and offer some support. If you offer them advice (eg, “you should get out of this situation!”) that they don’t seem to take, don’t chastise them. It’s often incredibly hard for victims of domestic violence to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, on average, a victim will try to leave an abusive relationship seven times before doing so successfully. Just remember: being in an abusive relationship can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. Do whatever you can to combat that and make your loved one feel like they are not alone.
Remind them that the abuse is not their fault
It is really common for victims to blame themselves for the abuse they are experiencing. Often times, that’s because the abuser is telling them it’s their fault. Tell your loved one clearly and frequently that the abuse is not their fault, and that regardless of the abuser’s justifications, the abusive behavior is just not okay. Those types of reminders can really go a long way.
Help them develop a safety plan
A “safety plan” is a plan that a survivor makes to stay as safe as possible in any stage of their relationship, whether they are planning to leave the abuser, or are just trying to get through a day. Extend an invitation for them to temporarily come stay with you; help them look up domestic violence resources, especially if they doesn’t feel like they are in a position to do so on their own; offer to drive them to appointments with a legal advocate or lawyer; and help them brainstorm the types of things they might need to bring if they leave the home suddenly. There are wonderful domestic violence advocates and organizations out there to help your loved one with these types of things, but that doesn’t mean your assistance won’t also be greatly appreciated!