How to Spot Red Flags (Or, Happy Valentine's Day!) Part Ii

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Last week we posted about how to spot some red flags that you might be in an unhealthy relationship. This week, we’re going to focus on what you can do if you fear a friend or family member is in an unhealthy relationship. After all, this holiday is all about showing those nearest and dearest how much they mean to you, including your pals!

1. Be supportive and non-judgmental

   It’s important to remember that your loved one is going through an incredibly tough and potentially scary time in their life. Whether they are actively trying to leave the relationship, or are simply discussing their concerns with you, do your best just to listen and offer some support. If you offer them advice (eg, “you should get out of this situation!”) that they don’t seem to take, don’t chastise them. It’s often incredibly hard for victims of domestic violence to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, on average, a victim will try to leave an abusive relationship seven times before doing so successfully. Just remember: being in an abusive relationship can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. Do whatever you can to combat that and make your loved one feel like they are not alone. 

2. Remind them that the abuse is not their fault

   It is really common for victims to blame themselves for the abuse they are experiencing. Often times, that’s because the abuser is telling them it’s their fault. Tell your loved one clearly and frequently that the abuse is not their fault, and that regardless of the abuser’s justifications, the abusive behavior is just not okay. Those types of reminders can really go a long way.

3. Help them develop a safety plan

   A “safety plan” is a plan that a survivor makes to stay as safe as possible in any stage of their relationship, whether they are planning to leave the abuser, or are just trying to get through a day. Extend an invitation for them to temporarily come stay with you; help them look up domestic violence resources, especially if they doesn’t feel like they are in a position to do so on their own; offer to drive them to appointments with a legal advocate or lawyer; and help them brainstorm the types of things they might need to bring if they leave the home suddenly. There are wonderful domestic violence advocates and organizations out there to help your loved one with these types of things, but that doesn’t mean your assistance won’t also be greatly appreciated! 

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

How to Spot Red Flags (Or, Happy Valentine's Day!) Part I

Happy almost-Valentine’s Day, friends! We love love – but so often, we’re seeing abuse masquerading as love, and things that might seem oh-so-romantic can actually be cause for concern. Below is a list of seven behavioral red flags in relationships that are sometimes overlooked:

1. Wanting you all to themselves. It is common, especially in new relationships, to want to spend all of your time with your new partner. But, sometimes this can morph into a situation where one partner is actually restricting the other’s access to friends, family, and support systems. Love bubbles are okay (for a bit!), isolation is not.

2. Wanting to help you “better” yourself. There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism – we can all use some help now and then, right? But when “advice” begins to feel like put downs, (especially as it relates to your intelligence, appearance, etc), that’s not okay. 

3. Feeling hurt when you tell them that their critiques are upsetting you. If you tell your partner that their critiques feel more like attacks, and less like helpful feedback, and they turns it around on you or try to make you doubt your own perception of reality, this could be a form of gaslighting.

4. Wanting to experiment with drugs and alcohol with you. If you are an adult and decide that you want to use drugs and / or alcohol (responsibly), then that’s your call. But if you aren’t interested, and your partner pressures you (“I just love you so much, and I want to experience this with you. Don’t you want to share in this experience with me?”), that’s not okay. Drugs and alcohol can seriously lower your inhibitions and alter your state of mind, which, sadly, is often an ideal situation for an abuser. 

5. Wanting to experiment sexually with you, or guilting you for not wanting to engage in sex. Again, if you’re an adult, and want to try new things sexually, and your partner is on board, have at it. But if your partner wants to do things that you aren’t comfortable with and tries to pressure you to do them (“If you really loved me…”), that’s not okay. Similarly, if you don’t want to have sex, and they try to turn that into a question of your love and commitment to them, that’s manipulation, and also not okay.  Sometimes it’s even more subtle than that, and can just be incessant requests to have sex, despite your refusal. No means no, period.

6. Saying that they’re only sober thanks to you. If your partner has recovered from an addiction, and credits you for their sobriety, that could feel like wonderful praise. However, paired with other things, it could also be a manipulative tactic to make you feel responsible for their ongoing sobriety. The implication is that, but for you, they would not be sober, so without you, they won’t be sober. 

7. Saying that they’d die without you, or even threatening suicide. Movies, television, and books have made us think that nothing is more romantic than a partner declaring that without you, they’d have no reason to live. Sounds sweet, right? You are their world – if that’s not love, what is? Y’all, that’s messed up. This forces you to remain in the relationship, even if / when you don’t want to. Why? Because if you leave, they’ll die. 

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

DVPO Violations

It is our sincerest hope that, once a survivor successfully obtains a domestic violence protection order, an abuser will not violate it. For many abusers, the existence of a protection order is enough to keep them from continuing to contact or hurt the survivor. But, sadly, this is not always the case. Sometimes, an abuser will violate the terms of the protection order. This is a criminal offense, meaning the abuser could be criminally charged. Below are a few tips on how “prepare” for and recognize a violation, as well as what to do in the event of a violation.

How to “Prepare For” and Recognize a Violation

1. Always keep a certified copy of your protection order with you. If you call the police because your abuser violated the order, the police may ask to see the protection order that’s currently in place. (If you don’t have the order with you, the police can look it up, but it will expedite everything and make the process more straight-forward if you have the order with you.)

2. If children are covered by the order, their schools and daycares should also be given a copy of the order. (Again, if you don’t have the order with you, the police can look it up, but it will expedite everything and make the process more straight-forward if you have the order with you.)

3. Make sure that you understand what exactly the protection order prohibits / restrains, so that you know immediately when a violation is occurring. Protection orders can have a variety of different terms. For example, if there are children involved, the protection order can include visitation provisions. If you are worried that the abuser may come to a place where you spend a lot of time, you can ask that your abuser be prohibited from going to that place. If you are scared that your abuser may attempt to pass messages to you through a third party, you can ask that that your abuser be prohibited from doing so.

What to Do in the Event of a Violation

1. The most important thing to do, whether or not a violation is occurring, is to keep yourself safe. Aside from that, there is often no right or wrong way to respond.

2. If possible, gather evidence of the violation. For example, if the restrained party called or texted you, take screenshots of the text or call logs. If the restrained party followed you somewhere, make note of the time and location.

3. Consider reporting the violation to law enforcement. Some people report all (potential) violations, and some people don’t. You’ll have to decide the best course of action for you. If your abuser follows you, threatens you, or does something that makes you feel that your immediate safety is at risk, you should contact the police right away.

4. Whether or not you decide to contact law enforcement, be sure to keep a record of all violations, as you may want to reference them at some point (like, if you decide to ask the court to renew the protection order, which we will discuss more next week).

*As the court does, we refer to the victim / survivor as the petitioner, and the abuser as the respondent.

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

Petitioning for a DVPO

NOTE: In 2022, protection order laws in Washington state changed. This post has not been updated to reflect those changes.

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Far too often we get contacted by a victim asking us what to do if they need a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO) now. As we discussed briefly in our “What is a DVPO?” post, victims can, in some circumstances, obtain an immediate DVPO. We thought it might be helpful to talk a bit more about that, and outline the general procedure for petitioning for a DVPO. 

Immediate (Temporary) DVPO

Folks are often surprised to learn that, in cases where there are legitimate immediate safety concerns, courts can issue a temporary DVPO, without notifying or hearing from the other party. In order to petition a court for a DVPO, a petitioner (or their attorney) needs to prepare a Petition for Order for Protection that explains the domestic violence that the petitioner experienced, and why they need a DVPO. Then, the petitioner can take this document to court, walk into a court room (without notifying the abuser – this is called “ex parte”), and ask that the court schedule a hearing for the DVPO, and, in the meantime, issue a temporary DVPO to go into effect immediately and last until the hearing date. In our “What is a DVPO?” post, we outlined what a DVPO can actually do. A temporary DVPO can do the same things that a full DVPO can do (just on a temporary basis):

• Prohibit the respondent from physically harming, injuring, assaulting, molesting, harassing, threatening, or stalking the petitioner;

• Prohibit the respondent from keeping the petitioner under surveillance or monitoring their activities;

• Prohibit the respondent from contacting the petitioner, including using third parties to contact them on the respondent’s behalf;

• Prohibit the respondent from going to the petitioner’s home, school, workplace, or other specified locations;

• Prohibit the respondent from coming within a certain specified distance of the petitioner;

• Grant the petitioner temporary care of shared children;

• Grant the petitioner custody of shared pets;

• Order the respondent to vacate the shared home;

• Order the respondent to participate in treatment and / or counseling;

• Order the respondent not to posses any firearms, dangerous weapons, and / or concealed pistol license. 

If the court finds that an emergency exists and that a temporary DVPO should be issued without notice to the respondent, then it will grant the petitioner a temporary DVPO that very day, and will schedule a hearing to be held approximately two weeks later. 

Service

After filing the petition, the petitioner will need to serve the other party (the respondent) with the documents (as we discussed in our “What is Domestic Violence?” post, law enforcement will serve these documents on the respondent free of charge). 

Response

The respondent will have an opportunity to respond, in writing, to the materials that the petitioner wrote, and present their version of events to the court. 

Reply

Then, the petitioner will have an opportunity to reply, in writing, to the materials that the respondent wrote. 

Hearing

Approximately two weeks after filing, both the petitioner and respondent, and if they’re represented, their respective attorneys, will return to court and have a full hearing (often referred to as a “return hearing”). In this hearing, the petitioner will explain to the court why they need a DVPO. After the petitioner “argues” their case, the respondent will have an opportunity to respond, and to explain to the court why the DVPO shouldn’t be granted. After the respondent “argues” their case, the petitioner will have an opportunity to reply. 

After hearing from both parties, and after reviewing all of the written pleadings that the parties submitted, the court will make its ruling. The burden is on the petitioner to show the court that they are a victim of domestic violence. The standard that the court uses in these types of cases is called a “preponderance of the evidence.” This means that, if the court finds that it is more likely than not that the petitioner has experienced domestic violence, then it will grant them a DVPO.

*As the court does, we refer to the victim / survivor as the petitioner, and the abuser as the respondent. 

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

Common Domestic Violence Myths

We’ve been talking a lot about different forms of domestic violence, and we’ve gotten some questions about things that we’ll politely call “domestic violence myths” – in other words: complete and total nonsense.

There are many myths surrounding domestic violence, ranging from what causes perpetrators to abuse their partners, to the “types” of people who are the victims of abuse, to why victims seek protection orders. Misinformation is never a good thing, but these myths can actually be very detrimental. They can cause a victim to re-think the decision to come forward and share their experiences, and can cause those with whom they speak to doubt their accounts. 

Some common domestic violence myths:

• “They did it because they were drunk / high.” One of the most common domestic violence myths is that people abuse their partners because they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and wouldn’t have if they were in the “right” state of mind (sober). This is absolutely false: domestic violence stems from a desire to coercively control another person. Blaming drugs or alcohol shifts the responsibility off the abuser and onto the substance, which is just wrong.

• “They can’t be a victim, they were drunk / high.” It’s interesting that we excuse an abuser’s behavior for being drunk or high, but, if the victim is drunk or high, we blame them. Just as being under the influence doesn’t excuse an abuser’s behavior, it also doesn’t make the vicim any less of a victim.

• “They’re not the victim-type.” People of all races, national origins, socioeconomic statuses, and religions can be victims of domestic violence. Studies do not support the myth that domestic violence only occurs against people who are low-income or minorities.

• “They are so nice, I just can’t imagine them doing something like that.” Abusers are often very charming, charismatic people. To the outsiders looking in, it might be hard to believe that they are capable of abuse.

• “If it were really that bad, they would just leave.” Are you noticing a theme, yet? Lots of victim blaming in DV myths. There are a whole host of reasons why a victim of domestic violence wouldn’t leave an abusive situation:

  • Safety: You read that one right. Studies show separation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. In fact, a victim is most likely to be killed by their abuser when they tries to leave. This is because the abuser recognizes that they are at risk of losing (at least some of) their power over the victim, and goes to extreme, often violent, measures to regain control.

  • Money: Victims may also remain in the relationship for financial reasons. Financial abuse is a very prevalent form of domestic violence, and could mean that the victim doesn’t have access to credit cards, cash, or a bank account. Without access to money, it becomes extremely difficult on a pragmatic level to leave the relationship, especially if there are children involved.

  • Love: One of the most common things we hear from our clients is, “I love them, I just want them to stop hurting me.” Domestic violence usually occurs in a cycle, with the periods of violence being followed by a “honeymoon” phase. During the “honeymoon,” the abuser will often shower the victim with affection, gifts, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. A victim may believe the abuser when they say that this is the last time.

• “If that really happened, then why didn’t they call the police or go to the hospital?” It is incredibly common for victims not to tell anyone, including law enforcement or medical personnel, about the abuse, and there are a lot of reasons why this is true.

  • Shame: It is not the victim’s fault that they are being abused, but they may not realize this, and may still feel a sense of shame or embarrassment.

  • Support: The victim may feel like no one would believe her or support them, and, given the stigma surrounding domestic violence, this is a pretty understandable concern.

  • Concern for the Abuser: They might be worried that the abuser will go to jail or get into trouble if she reports the abuse. This is someone that they still cares for, and may share children with.

• “They’re just doing this to get custody of the kids.” We hear this one constantly. Despite countless studies that tell us that people don’t fabricate claims of domestic violence to gain the upper hand in a custody dispute, abusers and their attorneys still use this argument.

These are just a few of the many domestic violence myths that are perpetuated. Our hope is that if you hear one, you will recognize it for what it is.

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

What is Financial Abuse?

When we think about domestic violence, the first thing that comes to mind is often physical abuse. Cuts and bruises and broken bones may be the most obvious kind of domestic violence, but the most common kind of domestic violence is financial abuse, which is present in over 95% of domestic violence cases. 

Domestic violence centers around behavior that an abuser uses to gain or maintain power and control. Not surprisingly, using financials is often the “best” way for an abuser to do this. They prevent their partner from utilizing or accessing financial resources, which will force the victim to become financially dependent on the abuser. Financial abuse is used in conjunction with other kinds of abuse, but, because financial abuse is not as obvious as other forms of domestic violence, it can be difficult to spot.

• The abuser may interfere with the victim’s ability to get or keep a job. One of the easiest ways for an abuser to control their partner is to ensure that they are not earning their own money. This means that they may make it very difficult or even impossible for the victim to work.

  • They may sabotage job interviews – forcing the victim to be late or miss an employment opportunity all together.

  • They may make it very difficult for the victim to get to work – hiding keys, restricting access to transportation, or altogether preventing them from leaving the home.

  • They may show up at the victim’s work place and cause a scene. The victim may be reprimanded or even fired for this, or, they may quit on her own, due to the shame and embarrassment they feel.

  • They may insist that the victim quit their job or reduce the hours that the victim works. They may point to an “issue” at home that requires the victim do this – the children aren’t being properly cared for or the home isn’t being maintained to their liking.

  • The abuser may prevent the victim from accessing funds. They may limit the victim’s ability to use credit cards and cash, or limit access to funds through ATMs or the bank. They may also demand that the victim turn over any funds that they earned themself – or even prevent them from seeing her hard earned money at all, by requiring that they deposit checks into the abuser’s account.

• The abuser may prevent the victim from holding any assets. The abuser may demand that all joint assets – like a deed, mortgage, or title – be in their name only. Even if the victim does have assets that are theirs alone, the abuser may force the victim to give or sign them over.

• The abuser may use debt as a form of control. The abuser may force the victim to use their credit in a way that is detrimental. It is not uncommon for an abuser to force a victim to open credit cards or apply for loans for things that are for both of them, or even solely for the abuser. The abuser may also open accounts in the victim’s name, without their knowledge or consent. This can be especially damaging, as the abuser can destroy the victim’s credit, making them further dependent on the abuser.

Even when a victim is ready to leave an abusive partner, they are often unable to do so because of financial limitations. Especially when children are involved, staying in an abusive situation may seem like the better of two awful options. Because they have had limited access to money or assets, the victim does not have the financial resources to provide for themself and their children on their own. At least in the current situation, they know that the children will have beds to sleep in and food to eat.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, we urge you to seek help. You are not alone. There are many resources available to help those in need, including safety planning, transitional housing, and legal assistance. 

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

What is Gaslighting?

As we discussed in our last post, domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional and psychological abuse. One tactic abusers utilize that is both very prevalent, and often very difficult to identify as it is occurring, is something called “gaslighting.” Almost every client we meet with will say something to the effect of, “He acted like I was crazy, but I swear this is what happened…” This is gaslighting –  a manipulation tactic where the abuser causes the victim to doubt their own perception of reality, recollection and even sanity. The victim may start to believe that they have a terrible memory, are stupid, or are even going crazy. When an abuser causes a victim to internalize these beliefs about themself, the victim can become easier for the abuser to control and manipulate. 

Gaslighting can appear in several different forms. For example:

• The abuser may insist that the victim is misremembering or inventing facts, in an attempt to make them doubt their own memory. The abuser might insist that the victim is remembering something inaccurately, or that they completely fabricated a memory. Often, the abuser will also remind the victim of times in the past when the victim has “misremembered” things (and often these were also a result of gaslighting) in order to prove that they have a terrible memory and should defer to the abuser’s version of events.

• The abuser may act as if they simply do not understand what the victim is talking about when they attempt to discuss certain topics with the abuser. Often times, an abuser will use phrases like, “you’re trying to confuse me!” to distract the victim from the fact that they have raised valid and logical concerns. This can cause the victim to doubt their own motives for broaching certain topics, which, in turn, can prevent them from even bringing up those topics in the first place.

• The abuser may also cause the victim to question their general outlook on life. For example, the abuser may say things like, “you are always so negative!” or “you always fly off the handle!” This can cause a victim who responds to abuse in an objectively reasonable manner to believe that they are just being overly negative, reactive, or sensitive. This can be a powerful tool for abusers. The victim ends up blaming their anger, sadness, and anxiety on her perceived inability to respond properly to situations, as opposed to attributing these negative feelings to the abuse they are experiencing.

• The abuser may also minimize the victim’s feelings by saying things like “why are you letting something like that bother you?” A victim may begin to think that their reactions to abuse are inappropriate because they aren’t sufficiently thick-skinned and resilient – that they’re simply overreacting. Again, the victim blames themself for reacting in ways that are, in actuality, appropriate and reasonable.

These behaviors are often subtle and tricky for victims to spot, especially as they are occurring. Often times, the victim won’t realize what was happening until they are safely removed from the situation, and recalls what happened. Some general signs that may indicate that a victim is currently being gaslit are:

• They are no longer sure in their decisions or convictions;

• They may try to tell themself that they are just too sensitive;

• They may find that their self-confidence in other aspects of their life has decreased;

• They may stop talking with their partner about anything that could be construed as negative, and / or stop raising concerns about the relationship to their partner;

• They may feel like they don’t have any positive qualities;

• They may isolate themself from friends and family in order to avoid questions about their relationship; or

• They may feel a general sense of anxiety and / or sadness, but is have a hard time putting their finger on what is causing it.

As with most things in life, every situation is different. If you or someone you know are experiencing gaslighting, we urge you to seek help. You are not alone. There are many resources available to help those in need, including safety planning, transitional housing, and legal assistance.  

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation. 

What is Domestic Violence?

NOTE: In 2022, protection order laws in Washington state, including the definition of domestic violence, changed. This post has not been updated to reflect those changes.

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We recently observed Domestic Violence Awareness month, which prompted a lot of questions about what is and is not domestic violence. It turns out that the answer isn’t so simple. We explain domestic violence a bit elsewhere on our website, but wanted to go into a little more detail here. 

To start, there are multiple definitions of domestic violence: the behavioral definition and the legal definition. 

Behavioral domestic violence is a broader definition. It is a pattern of abusive behavior that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over the other partner. Domestic violence can take many forms*: 

• Physical abuse: This looks like hitting, punching, slapping, choking, throwing objects at, and otherwise physically harming. Because there are often visible signs, physical abuse is generally the most easily recognizable form of domestic violence.

• Sexual abuse: This looks like forced penetration (oral, anal, or vaginal) and unwanted sexual touching. “Force” does not mean that there is a threat of violence; rather, it means that the encounter was not consensual. A victim does not have to physically fight back, scream out, or even say no for an encounter to be non-consensual.

• Financial abuse: This looks like controlling access to employment, transportation, bank accounts, and credit cards, such that a victim is dependent on her abuser for survival.

• Emotional abuse: This type of abuse encompasses many different behaviors, including isolating, guilt-tripping, threatening to reveal private, personal, or humiliating information (immigration status, sexual history, private photographs or videos), manipulating situations such that the victim begins to question his/her perception of reality (gaslighting), and berating (name-calling, making derogatory comments, being overly critical, talking down, etc.)

The legal definition of domestic violence, however, is more limited, and is what courts are bound by when victims are petitioning for relief. In order to obtain a Domestic Violence Protection Order in Washington state, the parties need to be in a specific kind of relationship. Qualifying relationships include: spouses and former spouses, domestic partners, parents of a child in common, adults in a dating relationship, and parents and children. The definition of domestic violence that courts use is: (1) physical harm, bodily injury, assault, or the infliction of fear of imminent harm, bodily injury, or assault; (2) sexual assault; or (3) stalking. If the requisite relationship is present, and the legal definition is met, the court shall grant the petitioner a protection order. While courts will consider behavioral domestic violence as well (especially to get a fuller picture of the abuse), in order to grant a Domestic Violence Protection Order, the legal definition of domestic violence must be met. 

If you are experiencing domestic violence, we urge you to seek help. You are not alone. There are many resources available to help those in need, including safety planning, transitional housing, and legal assistance.  

*This list is not exhaustive. If you are experiencing the above or any other concerning behavior, we would recommend you reach out to someone you trust or a community advocate. 

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This publication is for informational purposes only. It does not contain any legal advice, and should not be used as a substitute for consulting an attorney. We always recommend that you consult an attorney for advice regarding your specific situation.