We’ve been talking a lot about different forms of domestic violence, and we’ve gotten some questions about things that we’ll politely call “domestic violence myths” – in other words: complete and total nonsense.
There are many myths surrounding domestic violence, ranging from what causes perpetrators to abuse their partners, to the “types” of people who are the victims of abuse, to why victims seek protection orders. Misinformation is never a good thing, but these myths can actually be very detrimental. They can cause a victim to re-think the decision to come forward and share their experiences, and can cause those with whom they speak to doubt their accounts.
Some common domestic violence myths:
“They did it because they were drunk / high.” One of the most common domestic violence myths is that people abuse their partners because they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and wouldn’t have if they were in the “right” state of mind (sober). This is absolutely false: domestic violence stems from a desire to coercively control another person. Blaming drugs or alcohol shifts the responsibility off the abuser and onto the substance, which is just wrong.
“They can’t be a victim, they were drunk / high.” It’s interesting that we excuse an abuser’s behavior for being drunk or high, but, if the victim is drunk or high, we blame them. Just as being under the influence doesn’t excuse an abuser’s behavior, it also doesn’t make the vicim any less of a victim.
“They’re not the victim-type.” People of all races, national origins, socioeconomic statuses, and religions can be victims of domestic violence. Studies do not support the myth that domestic violence only occurs against people who are low-income or minorities.
“They are so nice, I just can’t imagine them doing something like that.” Abusers are often very charming, charismatic people. To the outsiders looking in, it might be hard to believe that they are capable of abuse.
“If it were really that bad, they would just leave.” Are you noticing a theme, yet? Lots of victim blaming in DV myths. There are a whole host of reasons why a victim of domestic violence wouldn’t leave an abusive situation:
Safety: You read that one right. Studies show separation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. In fact, a victim is most likely to be killed by their abuser when they tries to leave. This is because the abuser recognizes that they are at risk of losing (at least some of) their power over the victim, and goes to extreme, often violent, measures to regain control.
Money: Victims may also remain in the relationship for financial reasons. Financial abuse is a very prevalent form of domestic violence, and could mean that the victim doesn’t have access to credit cards, cash, or a bank account. Without access to money, it becomes extremely difficult on a pragmatic level to leave the relationship, especially if there are children involved.
Love: One of the most common things we hear from our clients is, “I love them, I just want them to stop hurting me.” Domestic violence usually occurs in a cycle, with the periods of violence being followed by a “honeymoon” phase. During the “honeymoon,” the abuser will often shower the victim with affection, gifts, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. A victim may believe the abuser when they say that this is the last time.
“If that really happened, then why didn’t they call the police or go to the hospital?” It is incredibly common for victims not to tell anyone, including law enforcement or medical personnel, about the abuse, and there are a lot of reasons why this is true.
Shame: It is not the victim’s fault that they are being abused, but they may not realize this, and may still feel a sense of shame or embarrassment.
Support: The victim may feel like no one would believe her or support them, and, given the stigma surrounding domestic violence, this is a pretty understandable concern.
Concern for the Abuser: They might be worried that the abuser will go to jail or get into trouble if she reports the abuse. This is someone that they still cares for, and may share children with.
“They’re just doing this to get custody of the kids.” We hear this one constantly. Despite countless studies that tell us that people don’t fabricate claims of domestic violence to gain the upper hand in a custody dispute, abusers and their attorneys still use this argument.
These are just a few of the many domestic violence myths that are perpetuated. Our hope is that if you hear one, you will recognize it for what it is.