As we discussed in our last post, domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional and psychological abuse. One tactic abusers utilize that is both very prevalent, and often very difficult to identify as it is occurring, is something called “gaslighting.” Almost every client we meet with will say something to the effect of, “He acted like I was crazy, but I swear this is what happened…” This is gaslighting – a manipulation tactic where the abuser causes the victim to doubt their own perception of reality, recollection and even sanity. The victim may start to believe that they have a terrible memory, are stupid, or are even going crazy. When an abuser causes a victim to internalize these beliefs about themself, the victim can become easier for the abuser to control and manipulate.
Gaslighting can appear in several different forms. For example:
The abuser may insist that the victim is misremembering or inventing facts, in an attempt to make them doubt their own memory. The abuser might insist that the victim is remembering something inaccurately, or that they completely fabricated a memory. Often, the abuser will also remind the victim of times in the past when the victim has “misremembered” things (and often these were also a result of gaslighting) in order to prove that they have a terrible memory and should defer to the abuser’s version of events.
The abuser may act as if they simply do not understand what the victim is talking about when they attempt to discuss certain topics with the abuser. Often times, an abuser will use phrases like, “you’re trying to confuse me!” to distract the victim from the fact that they have raised valid and logical concerns. This can cause the victim to doubt their own motives for broaching certain topics, which, in turn, can prevent them from even bringing up those topics in the first place.
The abuser may also cause the victim to question their general outlook on life. For example, the abuser may say things like, “you are always so negative!” or “you always fly off the handle!” This can cause a victim who responds to abuse in an objectively reasonable manner to believe that they are just being overly negative, reactive, or sensitive. This can be a powerful tool for abusers. The victim ends up blaming their anger, sadness, and anxiety on her perceived inability to respond properly to situations, as opposed to attributing these negative feelings to the abuse they are experiencing.
The abuser may also minimize the victim’s feelings by saying things like “why are you letting something like that bother you?” A victim may begin to think that their reactions to abuse are inappropriate because they aren’t sufficiently thick-skinned and resilient – that they’re simply overreacting. Again, the victim blames themself for reacting in ways that are, in actuality, appropriate and reasonable.
These behaviors are often subtle and tricky for victims to spot, especially as they are occurring. Often times, the victim won’t realize what was happening until they are safely removed from the situation, and recalls what happened. Some general signs that may indicate that a victim is currently being gaslit are:
They are no longer sure in their decisions or convictions;
They may try to tell themself that they are just too sensitive;
They may find that their self-confidence in other aspects of their life has decreased;
They may stop talking with their partner about anything that could be construed as negative, and / or stop raising concerns about the relationship to their partner;
They may feel like they don’t have any positive qualities;
They may isolate themself from friends and family in order to avoid questions about their relationship; or
They may feel a general sense of anxiety and / or sadness, but is have a hard time putting their finger on what is causing it.
As with most things in life, every situation is different. If you or someone you know are experiencing gaslighting, we urge you to seek help. You are not alone. There are many resources available to help those in need, including safety planning, transitional housing, and legal assistance.